In February 2023, we celebrated my stepfather’s 90th birthday. It was his last. He “snuck out of here” last June without telling anyone he was going. No one had a chance to say goodbye to him. My mom and stepsister thought they would be visiting him in the rehab hospital later that morning. I thought I would be able to give him a quick call. I barely remember the last call I had with him before he entered the hospital.
Memos in My Phone
Endings are often like that – lacking closure. I try to remember that when I see and talk with people that I care about. That maybe it will be the last time. I often keep notes or memos in my phone when I think of something I want to write about. How great it would be if I could do that for things I want to say to people.
Back in December of 2020, I learned that a friend and co-worker was in the hospital due to COVID. His entire family, including his elderly parents came down with it, but he had severe allergies, so he was the one who ended up in the hospital. He didn’t want people to know, but a mutual friend told me the news. I’m glad he did. I still have the texts, like the memos in my phone, I shared with my friend in the hospital on December 17, 2020:
“. . .told me that you’re in the hospital. I hope that you start feeling better soon and are able to go home.”
“Thanks. Stuck in icu for a week now. Hope to go home soon. Thanks.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. I will continue to pray for your speedy recovery.”
“Thank you. . .”
On January 4, 2021, I learned he had passed away the day before. The summer of 2020, he and his family drove from Texas to Colorado. He asked me and another co-worker if I we wanted to meet them at a park for lunch. Because of COVID, I seriously debated going. But it was outdoors, things had died down some and I really wanted to meet his family. To this day, I am glad I decided to go. I got to see the wonderful husband and father he was. It was also my last time seeing him in person.
A Phone Call Almost Missed
Then there is the last phone call from my husband’s stepfather that I almost missed. We were in Hawaii at the time, and I knew he had entered hospice. He was a man who liked to make quick “hello” calls to the people in his life so every once in a while, I would get a call out of blue – lasting just a minute or two – from him. As I stood on the beach at Waikiki watching my family paddle boarding, I just happen to have my phone in my hand so that I could take some pictures when it rang. My father-in-law’s number came up on the screen. The call reflected his typical, “Just wanted to say hi and I love you” but I could hear the pain and weakness in his voice. He passed away a few days later. I am forever grateful I had my phone in my hand at that moment or I would have missed that last conversation with him.
Cha Eun-woo’s Emotional Song “Where Am I”
This week, I’ve been listening to the newly released Cha Eun-woo mini album Entity. Several of the songs keep getting stuck in my head – particularly the main track “Stay” and the haunting “Where Am I”. Cha Eun-woo contributed to the lyrics for all the songs so in my review of the album, I postured that the song, “Where Am I”, speaks to his feelings concerning the passing of fellow ASTRO groupmate Moonbin last year. Over the weekend, Cha Eun-woo held a hugely successful first fan meeting since the release of Entity, and videos came out of him singing various songs from the album. In addition to AROHO fans, several of his former drama cast members and some of his ASTRO group members were also present.
In one video, Cha Eun-woo begins singing “Where Am I”, but only makes it part way into to the song before he is overcome by emotions. He tries valiantly several times to regain his composure and continue singing but it’s clear that his voice is raw with emotion. Finally, he gives up, bends over, and lets the tears come. It’s the first time he has sung the song live and in front of people who know him and can understand what he is feeling. Below are some partial lyrics to “Where Am I”. Catch the full lyrics in English here.
“Before falling asleep, I always looked at
The memos in my phone
In the corner, within the drawn clock
Only the sand trapped on the floor remains . . .”
“[Chorus]
Where am I, where am I
Even if I keep calling, I can’t see you
So where am I, don’t drift away
I want to hug you even just once
Meet again”
There are times when I have tried to sing while being overcome with emotion. It has typically been during a church service or funeral and with a crowd surrounding me. It’s almost impossible to keep control over your voice in that situation. I know that feeling of your throat closing up and your voice cracking. Holding the emotion back as your eyes fill with tears is hard. The best I can do is stop singing, close my mouth and let the tears come. I can’t imagine what it would be like standing by yourself on a stage in front of crowd where you are trying to sing a song about a very personal loss. You are one brave young man, Cha Eun-woo!
After the music for the song is over, the audience can be heard saying, 괜찮아 (gwaenchanha) – It’s Ok. Because it is okay. They understand. On February 19, 2023 (the day after I originally posted this), Cha Eun-woo dropped his “Where Am I” Music Video. It’s lovely. And his friend and fans at that fan meet in Seoul were the first to see it. He may have struggled to sing it live, but like a gift, the Music Video played for them on the big screen shortly after they told Cha Eun-woo it was ok.
Only Looking at The Memos in My Phone
How great it would be to know when you are going to see someone for the last time and be able to say goodbye to them. I do remember hugging my stepfather last February, the last time I saw him. I looked into his beautiful blue eyes, kissed his face and told him I loved him – knowing it might be the last time I would see him. You never know when that last time will come. I hope I can continue to remember that and live without regrets – only looking at the memos in my phone – the words never spoken.
